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| "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
I hate that. I don't believe it.
Lately I've been having dreams about not being able to be with someone I love. They play out like movies... In one, most of the dream is of us sitting with a group of friends, hanging out, eating lunch together, having fun, etc. Then the last scene is me walking by a huge structure which looks like ruins but is supposed to be a train station. It sits alone in the middle of fields and fields of nothing and I see him next to a pillar helping a girl with her coat. Half of the sky is gray, but the rainclouds are being blown away and half of it is yellow sunlight. It's windy and I'm having trouble keeping my umbrella up, and as I switch sides and twirl it in front of my face, it shields me from his gaze. My emotion comes out in a violent gasp and I double over slightly. It's one of those moments where time stops and everything is poignant. However, as the umbrella lifts up again, I paint my face neutral and keep on walking like I don't notice them. He's still helping the other girl with her coat, but he watches me as I walk into the train station and don't look back. I don't remember who he's supposed to be or what he looks like or what his name is... I just wake up with the feeling of loss. I had another dream last night but I remember less. It was longer though, and the feeling never went away.
I think these might be the equivalent of nightmares for me.
| | |
| Redo.
Put
your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the
song title as the answer to the question even if they don’t make sense.
How am I feeling today?
Tori Amos - Ribbons Undone
Will I get far in life?
Sponge - Plowed
How do my friends see me?
TV Theme Songs - Arthur (yes, from PBS)
Where will I get married?
The Velvet Underground - Sweet Jane
What is my best friend’s theme song?
Marcy Playground - Sex and Candy
What is/was high school like?
Smashing Pumpkins - Zero
How can I get ahead in life?
Catatonia - Road Rage
What is the best thing about me?
Cunninlynguists - Nothing to Give
What is today going to be like?
The National - Secret Meeting
What is in store for this weekend?
Skee-Lo - I Wish
What song describes my parents?
Gin Blossoms - Lost Horizons
How is my life going?
Belle & Sebastian - Expectations
What song will they play at my funeral?
Blue Schoars - Blue School
How does the world see me?
Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky
Do people secretly lust after me?
Jesus Christ Superstar - Heaven On Their Minds
How can I make myself happy?
Eros Ramazzotti - Io Amero
What should I do with my life?
Akon - I Wanna Love You
Will I ever have children?
Portishead - Numb
What is some good advice for me?
Le Tigre - I'm So Excited
How will I be remembered?
Thievery Corporation - Until the Morning
What is my signature dancing song?
Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape
What is my current theme song?
The Underdog Project - Tonight
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
The Format - Wait, Wait, Wait
What type of men/women do you like?
Mott the Hoople - All the Young Dudes (I swear this is really what came up.)
| | |
| If I could meet my 12 year old self...
I think she'd be proud that I mastered the whole confident-woman-in-the-magazine-ad walk, though I never quite got the subtle self-satisfied smile part of it. She'd be relieved that the braces worked and that eyebrows can be plucked and that too-short haircuts grow out. I think she'd want me to be a little bit thinner though...
She'd be impressed with my material possessions since it's the opposite of what she has and she considers "stuff" to be the most important measure of success. She would probably play dress up for a while and try on all my jewelry like she does with her mom's earring collection. She would love that I don't live at home and that my bathroom is as big as her bedroom.
I would tell her to not worry about the kids she knows at school since she'll never see them again except for Myspace. I think she'd rather show them up instead.
I would tell her to be nicer to her sisters even though she can't relate to them yet and to not write the "Mom, I hate you" note to be discovered while she was at school because she would regret it the second she stepped out the door and would spend the whole day unsuccessfully trying to remind herself of why she wrote it in the first place. I would tell her to smile more... not to strangers, but to the people she loves. She would tell me the same.
I don't know how she would feel about the smoking... She still associates it with the "bad kids", but that makes it cool at the same time. Same with the drinking. She would probably like the tattoo, but I would have to try to convince her that a tongue ring is not as cool as she thinks it is. Neither are the belly shirts that only come down to the two inches below her chest, but the camouflage is ok.
She'd get a little freaked out and really disappointed at the whole lack of relationships thing, but I would tell her that a knight in shining armor is not the only path to personal validation. She wouldn't believe me. I don't think that I would tell her to stop praying to be pretty though... I think the turnaround is important.
I would tell her that I understand why she writes new realities in her head, but not to discount real life because it does get interesting eventually.
If I could visit her, we would lie down and listen to the mix tapes that she made of Q102 dance music that she never dances to and Y100 rock that makes her feel quietly powerful and yearn to road trip far away from everything because being in the middle of absolutely nothing is her definition of freedom. It's still one of my definitions... I would look around at all the posters of Jonathan Brandis that she tore out and stuffed inside the one Bop magazine that she bought and then we would eat the candy that she has hidden throughout the room. I would look to see if there are any pieces of paper with "I love [insert current crush's name here]" written on them hidden in her drawers. We may visit St. Clement, but more likely, we would walk down to the Plaza and steal a necklace from Fashion Bug or some eyeliner from Clover.
I think she'd be proud of me...
| | |
| It's raining, and the construction next door is making it hard to hear my music, not to mention making me feel like I need to take shelter underneath my desk for fear of the building collapsing on top of me, it's shaking so much... As a break from actual work, I stole this meme from imikix. I figured since my music is quite eclectic, it would be somewhat interesting. Actually, it kind of makes sense...
Put
your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the
song title as the answer to the question even if they don’t make sense.
How am I feeling today?
Milli Vanilli - Blame It On The Rain
Will I get far in life?
Jazzyfatnastees - Unconventional Ways
How do my friends see me?
Bel Biv Devoe - Poison
Where will I get married?
Ken Oak Band - Madness and Back
What is my best friend’s theme song?
Spank Rock - Bump
What is/was high school like?
The Perishers - Nothing Like You and I
How can I get ahead in life?
Black Eyed Peas - Dirty Dancing
What is the best thing about me?
Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks
What is today going to be like?
Stars - Bitches in Tokyo
What is in store for this weekend?
Teddybears feat. Malte - Different Sound
What song describes my parents?
Emiliana Torrini - Sunny Road
How is my life going?
John Legend - P.D.A. (We Just Don't Care)
What song will they play at my funeral?
Justice - D.A.N.C.E.
How does the world see me?
Missy Elliott - We Run This
Do people secretly lust after me?
Journey - Don't Stop Believing
How can I make myself happy?
Gwen Stefani - It's My Life
What should I do with my life?
Prodigy - Breathe
Will I ever have children?
Final Fantasy - Many Lives --> 49 MP
What is some good advice for me?
Montell Jordan - Get It On Tonight
How will I be remembered?
Bishop Allen - Like Castanets
What is my signature dancing song?
Feist - Inside and Out
What is my current theme song?
Michael Jackson - PYT (Pretty Young Thing)
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Mika - Grace Kelly
What type of men/women do you like?
Smashing Pumpkins - Beautiful | | |
| unfortunately, i don't think i'll be coming back with another phoenix...
i will be in the PI from june 21st - july 26th! it's been 12 years since we went back as a family, so this will be exciting. while we're most intrigued about seeing where my lola mang's from, it will be interesting to go from indigenous rural village to commercialized metropolitan city... i need to plan my reading material well. and get a brand new journal.
email me your address if you would like a postcard from somewhere. [shiella.cervantes@gmail.com]
also, look at this nifty little itinerary my mom made for our trip (we're the yellow column). we're still gonna be playing it by ear, but... holy crap that is a lot of traveling. we're gonna be in a different place every day? i'm tired already.
| B |
C |
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| E |
F |
G |
H |
I |
J |
K |
| Date |
Day |
|
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|
|
| Carl/Ian |
Mama
/
Katrina |
Mang |
Erwin |
CervantesF |
JCalpito |
JTaag
(Nathan/ Francis) |
| 14-Jun |
Th |
|
|
|
|
| Lv
for MNL |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
|
| 15-Jun |
F |
|
|
|
|
| in-transit |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
|
| 16-Jun |
S |
|
|
|
|
| Ar
MNL |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
|
| 17-Jun |
Su |
|
|
|
|
| |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
|
| 18-Jun |
M |
|
|
|
|
| |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
|
| 19-Jun |
T |
|
|
|
|
| |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
|
| 20-Jun |
W |
|
|
|
|
| |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
~ |
|
| 21-Jun |
Th |
|
|
|
|
| |
Lv
for MNL |
Lv
for MNL |
~ |
Lv
for MNL |
~ |
|
| 22-Jun |
F |
|
|
|
|
| |
in-transit |
in-transit |
~ |
in-transit |
~ |
|
| 23-Jun |
S |
|
|
|
|
| |
Ar
MNL |
Ar
MNL |
~ |
Ar
MNL |
~ |
|
| 24-Jun |
Su |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
~ |
Rest/Manila |
~ |
|
| 25-Jun |
M |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
~ |
Manila |
~ |
|
| 26-Jun |
T |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
~ |
Cebu |
~ |
|
| 27-Jun |
W |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
~ |
Cebu |
~ |
|
| 28-Jun |
Th |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
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Lv
for MNL |
Bohol? |
Lv
for MNL |
|
| 29-Jun |
F |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
in-transit |
Bohol? |
in-transit |
|
| 30-Jun |
S |
|
|
|
|
| w/Pasay |
w/Pasay |
|
Ar
MNL |
Manila |
Ar
MNL |
|
| 1-Jul |
Su |
|
|
|
|
| w/Pasay |
w/Pasay |
|
w/Pasay |
Manila |
|
|
| 2-Jul |
M |
|
|
|
|
| Lv-Pal
Rest/City |
Lv-Pal
Rest/City |
Lv-Pal
Rest/City |
Lv-Pal
Rest/City |
Leave for Palawan
Rest/City |
Lv-Pal
Rest/City |
? |
| 3-Jul |
T |
|
|
|
|
| IsleHop |
IsleHop |
IsleHop |
IsleHop |
Island Hop |
IsleHop |
? |
| 4-Jul |
W |
|
|
|
|
| CaveKayak |
CaveKayak |
CaveKayak |
CaveKayak |
Cave/Kayak |
CaveKayak |
? |
| 5-Jul |
Th |
|
|
|
|
| Lv-MNL |
Lv-MNL |
Lv-MNL |
Lv-MNL |
Lv-Manila |
Lv-MNL |
? |
| 6-Jul |
F |
|
|
|
|
| Lv-Baguio |
Lv-Baguio |
Lv-Baguio |
Lv-Baguio |
Lv-Baguio |
Lv-Baguio |
|
| 7-Jul |
S |
|
|
|
|
| Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
| 8-Jul |
Su |
|
|
|
|
| Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
Reunion |
| 9-Jul |
M |
|
|
|
|
| BagSagBag |
BagSagBag |
BagSagBag |
BagSagBag |
Baguio/Sagpat |
BagSagBag |
BagSagBag |
| 10-Jul |
T |
|
|
|
|
| Baguio |
Baguio |
Baguio |
Baguio |
Sagpat/Baguio |
Baguio |
Baguio |
| 11-Jul |
W |
|
|
|
|
| Bag100isBag |
Bag100isBag |
Bag100isBag |
Bag100isBag |
Leave
for Ifugao |
Bag100isBag |
Bag100isBag |
| 12-Jul |
Th |
|
|
|
|
| Rest/Shop |
Rest/Shop |
|
Rest/Shop |
Ifugao |
Lv-Manila |
|
| 13-Jul |
F |
|
|
|
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| |
|
|
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Leave
for Aritao |
|
|
| 14-Jul |
S |
|
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| |
|
|
|
Aritao |
Lv
for London |
|
| 15-Jul |
Su |
|
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| |
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|
Leave
for Baguio |
Ar
London |
|
| 16-Jul |
M |
|
|
|
|
| Corregidor |
Corregidor |
Corregidor |
Corregidor |
Leave
for Manila |
|
|
| 17-Jul |
T |
|
|
|
|
| Rest/Shop |
Rest/Shop |
|
Rest/Shop |
Corregidor |
|
|
| 18-Jul |
W |
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| |
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| 19-Jul |
Th |
|
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| |
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| 20-Jul |
F |
|
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| |
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|
Vigan |
|
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| 21-Jul |
S |
|
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| |
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|
Vigan/Baguio |
|
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| 22-Jul |
Su |
|
|
|
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| |
|
|
Lv
for JFK |
Baguio/100
Islands |
|
|
| 23-Jul |
M |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
Ar
JFK |
Visit
rel. in Pangasinan |
|
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| 24-Jul |
T |
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| |
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|
Baguio |
|
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| 25-Jul |
W |
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| |
|
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|
Manila |
|
|
| 26-Jul |
Th |
|
|
|
|
| Lv
for JFK |
Lv
for JFK |
Lv
for JFK |
|
Lv
for JFK |
|
|
| 27-Jul |
F |
|
|
|
|
| Ar
JFK |
Ar
JFK |
Ar
JFK |
|
Arr
JFK |
|
|
| 28-Jul |
S |
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| |
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